A truly blessed weekend...

(Brendan)

By the grace of God, my youngest brother, Evan, was ordained to the holy priesthood by Archbishop John Nienstedt this past Saturday (May 26th) at the Cathedral of St. Paul in St. Paul, MN! It was a truly blessed weekend and an almost incomprehensible grace for our family, and indeed for the whole Church. For the sake of documenting this wonderful event on our blog I wanted to make sure and post some pictures. A few of these are pictures I took, and a lot of them were taken by my sister who has a much better camera :-) Click any picture to enlarge.

Deacon Evan in prayer before the ordination mass.

Molly and me and the kids (minus Francis, who at 22 months wasn't going to make it through a 2 1/2 hour mass), seated with the rest of our family.

Evan processing in with the other men to be ordained priests.

Archbishop John Nienstedt

In prayer during the Litany of the Saints.

The laying on of hands

Our oldest, Clara (Evan's Goddaughter), was one of three to bring up the gifts.

Fr. Evan concelebrating his first mass

After the mass, Fr. Evan gives his priestly blessing to our parents.

We receive our Fr. Evan's blessing

An extended family picture

Later at the reception, Molly and I get a picture with Fr. Evan and our family. (We have another blessing on the way as well! Due at the end of August -- prayers always appreciated).

Fr. Evan's vestments, designed by my Dad with input from Evan and made by a very talented lady who makes priestly vestments in Coon Rapids, MN.

Fr. Evan's chalice

The next day is Fr. Evan's first mass of thanksgiving at the parish where we grew up, St. Rita's in Cottage Grove, MN. The Handmaids of the Heart of Jesus, a wonderful order of sisters from New Ulm, MN arrive for the mass to support Fr. Evan in prayer and with sung sacred music during the mass.

The consecration

Fr. Evan blesses our grandparents, who celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary the same week.

On Memorial Day we attended daily mass celebrated by Fr. Evan in the chapel of the Companions of Christ house near the St. Paul Seminary. Fr. Evan offered the mass for our Henry Blaise.

Fr. Evan was assigned by Archbishop Nienstedt to St. Stephen's parish in Anoka, MN, which is not far from where we live on the North side of the Twin Cities. We are very excited to attend mass on occasion at St. Stephen's when Fr. Evan is presiding, and have Evan over to our house for lots of visits!

Today, Dec. 1, would have been Henry's third birthday

(Brendan)

Today we remember our precious Henry Blaise in a special way, as December 1st is the anniversary of his birth. This previous post has our remembrance video of Henry and the image I created for his grave marker. We love you so very much Henry! Please pray for us!

On December 12, the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, mass is being offered at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in LaCrosse, WI for Henry and his siblings by Cardinal Raymund Burke. This was a wonderful gift from my parents.

Henry's marker stone completed

(Brendan)

You might remember that I designed a grave marker for our son Henry late last year (see this post). Since then the marker has been created by a company near St. Cloud, MN, with Minnesota granite, and now that the ground has completely thawed the marker has recently been installed. We hadn't been able to see the completed marker until the first time we went to see it at the cemetery, but praise God it turned out just like we had thought it should.

Here was my original design...

Here's a close-up of the left-hand side...

And here are some pictures of the finished marker in place (click any to enlarge)...

(It was raining and cold, so Aidan, Max, and Francis were in the van when I took the pic above)

It is a great relief to finally have this marker in place and to know it will always be there from now on.

Today, Dec. 1, we once again remember our Henry Blaise...

December 1 is the anniversary of our Henry's death and we continue to remember him with sorrow for our loss here on earth, and yet with great joy in knowing he is with Our Lord. If we "run the race, and finish the course, and keep the faith" as St. Paul says, we will be reunited with Henry and we will spend far greater time together than we ever lost on earth.

Our remembrance video of Henry...

We love you Henry!

For details on Henry's marker design, see here.

Probably the most permanent piece of art I'll ever create...

(Brendan)

Shortly after Henry passed away, in the whirlwind that followed, we were supposed to pick out a grave marker design. When we looked at the designs they had at the cemetery we didn't see anything that we thought would suit us for this marker. Most were too "cartoony" or had some angels or something generic, and it just wasn't something we were looking for. When we were told we could always design our own and they could have pretty much anything made, we decided to hold off on picking a design because we thought that maybe I could design the marker. However, it's been almost two years now, still with no marker in the ground.

I did start working on some sketches for a design last year, but then came selling our house, preparing to build the new house, moving in with my parents, construction, moving in to the new house, having another baby, etc. It seemed like I would never get the proper time to finish-off a design. Now that we are moved in, completing the design for Henry's grave marker weighed heavily on me. It was clearly priority number one and I had to devote the time necessary to finish it off so that we could get the stone ordered.

The only constraint on the design is that the marker lays flush with the ground and is 12" high by 20" wide. I was sure that I wanted to convey Henry being received into God's heavenly kingdom, and work in images of St. Henry and St. Blaise (our little guy's two patron saints). I also eventually decided to try to work in two others who I know prayed for Henry and our family greatly: the Blessed Mother and Henry's guardian angel.

Here is the initial sketch that I did for the full piece (click to enlarge):

This study shows St. Henry on the bottom left and St. Blaise on the bottom right, with outlines of Henry's guardian angel and the Blessed Mother higher up, and Christ on His throne bending down to pick up Henry.

Working further on Christ, I sketched a little more detail in a different study:

I also worked further on Henry's guardian angel and Mary...

Once these sketches were done I completed a more carefully done sketch of the entire piece:

In order to ensure the final product was as clean and finished as possible, and also in order to have an image that would be easiest to reproduce via the etching process for the granite stone marker, I scanned the more detailed sketch above into my computer and then used Adobe Illustrator to trace over the sketch and ensure every line was where I wanted it. This also made it easier to make the any simple shape elements more perfect than I could sketch them and allowed me to clean up any other loose ends and correct any design problems without having to erase.

After I completed this process, which took many a late night, the finished image is below (click to enlarge):

St. Henry, who was Holy Roman Emperor in the 11th century, is shown at the bottom left with his crown denoting his earthly role and also holds a scepter that is a typical attribute of his when depicted. St. Blaise, a bishop of the 3rd century, is shown at the bottom right with his bishop's crosier and mitre, as well as the bishop's pallium around his neck, and also with the two candles which are a typical attribute of his when depicted. Both St. Henry and St. Blaise are blessing our Henry as he ascends toward Christ. Henry's guardian angel is above left, in prayer, and the Blessed Mother is above right, with her crown of twelve stars, also in prayer. Christ sits in his throne and reaches down to pick up Henry and welcome him to his heavenly kingdom for eternity. There are seven steps up to Christ's throne (a symbol of perfection), and the Greek letters alpha and omega on Christ's throne denote that He is the beginning and the end.

The full design of the marker, with the above image incorporated, is shown below (click to enlarge):

I think the final product balances a quiet, somber tone with the optimism of knowing that Henry is enjoying the vision of Christ. We decided to go with Roman numerals for the dates, so that the date reads (translated): December 1, The year of our Lord 2008. "Ora pro nobis" is our simple prayer that Henry pray for us, his family, still here on earth.

The marker stone is in the process of being ordered right now, and because it is a custom order and will require special processing to render the image sharply, it will take a couple of months before we receive it. This means it won't be able to get installed in the ground this year (before the freeze) and so it will be installed in the Spring of 2011.

For all those who donated money as a memorial for Henry, a portion of those funds are being used to create this beautiful, permanent reminder of our son and we are very, very grateful for your generosity. We did not have to compromise on the manufacturing method due to cost. The rest of the funds are being used to purchase a monstrance for Eucharistic adoration for the Twin Cities TEC retreat program, in Henry's memory.

More wonderful, amazing grace from our Lord...

(Brendan)

Many of you will remember that the Lord spoke strongly and clearly to Molly five months prior to Henry's death, putting words on Molly's heart asking for the sacrifice of letting our son be taken to be with Him in Heaven. Molly recorded these words in a journal during a women's Ignatian silent retreat put on by the St. Paul Seminary, a retreat she went on while four months pregnant (gender unknown at the time) in July of 2008.  Later that year in December our son, Henry, passed away, stillborn at full term (see this previous post where I reproduced some of Molly's journal entries). The direct knowledge that this was part of God's plan for Henry, for us, and for our family was greatly comforting, despite the great pain that it caused us, with effects that will last a lifetime.

In June of 2009, despite the deep emotion of the previous year's retreat, Molly decided to go on the same women's Ignatian retreat. Now, she was pregnant again, but just days before the retreat we had received the sad news that the baby would likely not live; there was every indication that a miscarriage was occurring (this was at roughly the 6-7 week point of the pregnancy). I remember discussing with her whether she would really be OK going to the retreat if she might miscarry while there, without me beside her. After prayer, she decided to still attend the retreat, and she ended up having another wonderful experience. In fact, she knew she was supposed to be there, because another woman at the retreat was also in the process of a miscarriage and they both were able to console each other and pray for each other. After coming home, Molly later did miscarry and we named the baby Jude. Jude's remains are buried near Henry's and we know they are together in Heaven praying for us and experiencing the full glory of God.

Flash forward to just last week, Molly and I were driving the kids somewhere in the van and conversing and (surely from God) something in our conversation struck her and she remembered God revealing a scripture passage to her during the 2009 retreat that she recorded in her journal (she also kept a journal during that retreat, similar to 2008). As soon as we got home she went and got her journal and read what she wrote (just as a reminder, at the time she wrote this on the retreat a miscarriage was in process with Jude, but we were praying for a miracle):

June 27, 2009

During mass - Reading from Genesis - to Sarah

"I will return to you this time next year and your shall have a son."

Continued...

There was a moment after the second ultrasound when "How Great is Our God" came on the radio. (I also heard this on the way to the clinic and I was struck with fear). But this next time I heard it I felt as though perhaps God would show his greatness in a miracle rather in His ability to be the beginning and the end of life as He was with Henry. We had this song at Henry's funeral mass.

Then... during mass (I wrote this on a previous page) my translation says this: (from Genesis 18:10) "The Lord said, 'I will surely return to you in the Spring, and Sarah, your wife, shall have a son'."

I heard during mass, "I will return to you a year from now (or this time next year) and you shall have a son."

Immediately, I was struck that these words were for me. And I believe what the Lord says. It could mean several things:

- The child in my womb will be saved and the child (a son?) will be well a year from now.

- The child in my womb has passed, but the Lord, in His greatness, has in His plans a new son who will be born a year from now.

It is hard to imagine how all of this will come to pass, but I trust that it will. And I know that some day I will look upon the words of this journal and marvel at how God has "worked all things for good" as He promised to those who love Him.

After she read this out loud, tears in her eyes, we marveled how now we were indeed expecting a son -- a new son, Francis -- almost exactly a year after she wrote those words, just as the Lord had said. She was amazed that she hadn't remembered this passage in her journal until that moment in the van. Goodness, if we had comprehended this earlier, the 20-week ultrasound (when we found out the gender) wouldn't have had any suspense, of course this was going to be a boy!

All this was amazing enough to us, AND THEN here we sit in mass this morning, six days before Molly goes in to the hospital to be prepped for Francis' induction, and the first reading was Genesis 18:1-10, with the last verse being (from the NAB):

One of them said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

I (maybe dumbly) didn't look over at Molly because I knew it would make her cry (we immediately discussed after mass though :-). What joyful providence and care that the Lord has blessed us with! We know Francis is also (along with each and every one of our children) so very much part of God's plan for us, and we can't wait to meet him this coming weekend (if not before)!

Baby Francis Update

(Molly)

I've been wanting to give an update on baby Francis for several weeks, but I've also been feeling the crunch to become settled in our new home before his arrival! Brendan keeps saying, "Well, by Christmas we should feel pretty settled." I think he's probably right, but I'm pretty sure come late July, I'll be nearly useless in the "getting settled in the home" department as I'll be too busy getting settled with a newborn (which is much more fun, if you ask me!).

Because of our experience with Henry, our wonderful doctor has been very proactive in keeping tabs on sweet Francis' growth and development. I began a second round of twice-weekly progesterone injections at the beginning of my third trimester, which will help to increase blood flow through the placenta. Although we are not sure exactly what caused Henry's passing, certain factors (his size (5 lbs, 11 oz) and the fact that there was no amniotic fluid left at delivery) indicate it is possible that an insufficient placenta may have been to blame. The progesterone will help to ensure sufficient nutrients are getting to Francis.

I have also been visiting the hospital weekly, since week 32, for Bio-Physical Profiling and Non-Stress Tests. During the Bio-Physical Profile, an ultrasound technician watches Francis for fetal movement, "practice breathing", and heart rate, while also measuring fluid levels. Beginning this week, they will also be taking estimated fetal measurements. The Non-Stress Test consists of monitoring Francis' heart rate and movement, particularly how his heart reacts during movement. I'll admit that the Non-Stress Test is the best part of my week. In general, I lay there for an hour sipping cranberry juice over crushed ice. Anyone who has given birth in a hospital knows that hospitals have the best cranberry juice and crushed ice! (I even have a cousin who researched whether it was possible to purchase the particular brand for her consumption at home only to find out that the company only supplies to hospitals!)

We've also started weekly visits with our doctor for the regular end-of-pregnancy care. As of now, the plan is for me to check-in to the hospital to be prepped for induction the evening of July 24. My due date is July 28 and I have gone overdue with our first for children by about eight to ten days. Henry was born at 38.5 weeks. My doctor felt it would be important to reduce risk of a recurrence if I didn't follow my normal pattern of going past my due date. Although, I have become accustomed to making it a couple of extra weeks, I agree that this time my mental and emotional health could compromise Francis' well-being if I were to be overdue.

We have been very blessed by this pregnancy. So far, all has gone as it should and there is nothing to indicate that will change. Sometimes, though, there is no amount of logic or reassurance that can make the anxiety go away completely. Brendan has reminded me several times that we will have to endure a special kind of suffering in this pregnancy and that it is very important that we are able to offer up that suffering and fear. The Lord has been so faithful to us and has recently spoken to my heart as a joyful GIVER. And what a gift He as given to our family in the life of our son and brother.

Here's the most recent photo of Francis' precious face!

Hand-Stitched with Love

(Molly)

Brendan's sister, Allison, has a tradition of creating beautiful crib quilts for each new baby shortly after his or her arrival. Each of our children have treasured their quilts which now reside on their big kid beds and often accompany them for a snuggle on the couch.

Allison has always wanted us to find out the gender of our expected baby so she would have an excuse to peruse patterns for their quilts, but we haven't ever given in to her requests. So Allison has been relegated to begin her sewing immediately after her newest niece or nephew makes his arrival.

The day our sweet Henry Blaise was born was no different. Her grief compelled her to make her way to the fabric store that day to create the perfect quilt for the nephew she had lost too soon. Through many tears she has created for our family a beautiful coverlet of love which we will treasure always.

She gave us this precious gift on Christmas Eve. The heart in the middle symbolizes Henry while the two hearts on the left symbolize Brendan and me. The four hearts to the right symbolize Henry's older sisters and brothers.

Henry Blaise Koop, December 1, 2008 -- We will always remember...

(Brendan and Molly)

Today is the 1st anniversary of the day that changed our lives forever; the day that placed a rupture in our family that will only be healed in heaven; the day that our precious Henry Blaise was born and found to have been taken by Our Lord to be with Him. Henry is more alive than we are, for he sees God face to face, and contemplates His beauty for all eternity. Henry is a vital member of our family, interceding for for his family that remain here in the world, along with his brother Jude Thomas who also was taken by Our Lord to be with Him this past summer. We know that our time here on earth is the tiniest fraction of all the time we will spend together in heaven, and we offer our sufferings from this time of separation to the Lord for the salvation of souls and for a continual increase in holiness in our family.

It would honor us if you would join in remembering Henry through this video...

A special thanks to Joe Clarke and Anjanette Conway, who took pictures for us at Henry's funeral.

We know that Henry's death was God's will, and were comforted in a special way by the Lord blessing us with a very direct sign of this. This previous post by Molly explains, and we continue to be grateful the Lord blessed us with this knowledge.

Thank you for your continuing prayers and support. Praise God for the beautiful gift of Henry in our family!

Another Son, Another Saint

(Molly)
We wanted to let you know that our baby is safely in the arms of Jesus along with his big brother, Henry Blaise.

The miscarriage began on Sunday at the end my silent retreat experience and still continues. Although I had spent much of the time praying for a miracle for this baby, we are at peace with the Lord's will for this short, but purposeful life.

Through prayer, we decided to name him Jude Thomas. St Jude is the patron of impossible causes and a dear "friend" of ours. Clara has especially loved the name Thomas for about three years now and we wanted to honor her connection with that name. We were also praying for twins and believe the Lord answered our prayers in His own way as "Thomas" means "The Twin".

We will bury Jude's remains at Epiphany Cemetary near Henry's grave. We will also include his name on their memorial for babies lost in miscarriage.

We thank you again for your prayers for our family. The chaos with our home continues and it's a bit of a relief to have something wonderful to look forward to as we continue grieving for our sons.

Isn't it beautiful to envision Henry Blaise and Jude Thomas together with all the saints at the throne of Our Lord?

Sad news

(Brendan)

I wanted to do a quick post to let everyone know that recently we found out, to our joy, that we were expecting a new child. However, last Friday at a very early 6-week ultrasound things looked concerning for the baby, and just yesterday at a follow-up ultrasound Molly's doctor confirmed our fears, and saId that a miscarriage would likely be occuring sometime in the next two weeks. I want to keep this brief, I'm sure you can imagine how sad this is for us, especially right after Henry's passing in December. We continue to submit to God's holy will.

Though trivial, I did also want to update to say that our home inspection went very well and that there were no issues. Thank you all so much for your continued generosity in praying for us. We also hold up in prayer all of your intentions.

Remembering Henry and Henry's Blanket Travels to Rome

(Molly)

I have wanted to pen this post for a while as we just passed this six month anniversary of Henry's entrance into Heaven. Some of you know that I've been dealing with a random flare up of tendonitis in my left hand and needless to say, typing has been quite a chore. So, as important as this post is in remembering our darling son, it has taken me a while to complete.

For some time I have desired a permanent memorial of Henry, one that I could see daily, and hopefully even wear, so that I could share him with those I meet. (We do plan to create a memorial for Henry in our new home, but as of now, it's hard to know exactly when that will happen.) After thinking of a few different options, I finally settled on a ring with Henry's birthstone, Tanzanite, with one diamond on either side to symbolize Brendan and me. It's a sturdy setting, so I'm able to wear it all the time, which I love. It has become a constant reminder of his daily presence in our lives, his prayers for our family, and the short, but meaningful life he lived in my womb.

Before Henry's funeral we received some words of wisdom from the parents of some dear friends of ours. They lost a little girl, Mary Elizabeth, many years ago, and they had the foresight to clip off part of the blanket she was wrapped in before being placed in her casket. We loved that idea, so before handing over a gorgeous white blanket to the funeral director, we cut a corner off of the blanket and later had the edges sewn by Brendan's sister. I have slept with that blanket almost every night since. It has served as a great comfort to our family and I love to imagine Henry's perfect self wrapped snuggly in the blanket.

We were recently offered an opportunity to send the blanket with a family friend to Rome so that it could be blessed by Pope Benedict XVI. There is a beautiful story of how Henry's blanket received the Papal Blessing (one that is too long for me to type in my current condition) and we have been very touched by and opportunity to have the blessing of the Vicar of Christ in our home. The friend, who so willingly brought this treasure to Rome, also placed the blanket on the tomb of the great Pope John Paul II which means Henry's blanket is now a third class relic. Over the past six months I have envisioned our son in the presence of Our Lord Jesus, God the Father, God the Holy Spirit, and Our Lady. These thoughts have been very comforting to me. Perhaps, though, some of the most beautiful moments in my imagination occur when I envision Henry in Heaven with Pope John Paul II, a man that has so dearly touched my life and inspired our marriage to be what it is today. Brendan and I took the trip to World Youth Day in Rome in 2000 shortly after our engagement and seeing him was one of the most amazing experiences of our life together.

Remembering A Life Lived

(Molly)

Today, April 7, marks one year since we first learned that Henry's life had begun. I can remember it all so clearly. I was SURE I was pregnant, but I made myself wait to confirm because I was busy with the details of our parish's Mother-Daughter Tea. (A wonderful event which I've been blessed to coordinate for the last few years, but one that takes a huge amount of my time each spring.) I wanted to be able to focus on one thing at a time.

For some reason, I've never looked at the results of a pregnancy test before Brendan. I always just leave it on the counter and send Brendan in there to find out the result. We were so excited to be expecting our fifth child and the kids were, too!

So, this day is bitter-sweet for us. We rejoice in the life that Henry lived and we are confident that his life had purpose. His soul was created to glorify our Heavenly Father and although the life he lived was short, he has brought many souls into a deeper relationship with our Lord.

We have suffered greatly in the last few months, but we recognize a deep peace in our hearts. The most difficult times are those that come unexpectedly. Certain events are sure to be difficult and I can usually prepare myself for those moments. I'm never prepared, however, to break down while I'm scrubbing the kitchen floor because I suddenly remember that my life has changed. I can't build myself up for a moment when I might see the Baby Wash sitting on the side of the bathtub, that Baby Wash I bought just before Thanksgiving in preparation for the new baby.

In the past week I came across a beautiful prayer that I wanted to share with our readers. The words of this prayer speak so eloquently the way we feel in our hearts.

This Holy Week, we unite our sufferings with the Passion of Christ. We pray for comfort from Our Lady who truly knows our deep sorrow as she watched her Son die with the weight of the world on His shoulders.

Prayer for a Parent Whose Child Has Died

Mysterious Lord of Life and Death, a very part of my life has died in the death of my child. My soul is weighed down with sorrow and bears the wound of a lifelong scar. Send to me Your angel of consolation for the pain is heavy and deep.

Come to my aid, Lord of Mercy, for I lack the power of the holy parent, Abraham, who was willing, in obedience to Your command, to sacrifice to You his beloved son, Isaac.

Lord God, You who are also a parent surely know my pain at the loss of my beloved child, Henry Blaise, who has been taken from my side by death.

Do not take my tears and sorrow as a sign of my unbelief that all who have died in Your love are resurrected to eternal life in You, but, rather, see in these tears a sign of my great love for my child.

As I held him in the embrace of love, may You, his Divine Parent, hold him close to Your heart forever.

Help me, Lord, for I do not seek to understand the why of this mystery of death as much as I desire to accept it in a holy way and to be healed and once again whole.

Support me, my Lord and God, and wrap me in Your gentle love as I attempt to carry this bitter cross as Your Son, Jesus, carried the cross which You gave to Him.

Amen.

Our Precious Henry Blaise

(Molly)

Until now, we have been unable to find the courage to share a photograph of our precious son. In all honesty it has been very difficult for us to view the pictures taken on the day Henry was born because it has only served to increase our pain. Slowly, we have been able to look at the photographs with our hearts a little less heavy; able to admire his beauty rather than re-live in our minds the events as they unfolded that day.

Henry was an absolutely gorgeous baby, just like his big brothers and sisters. I think perhaps I have underestimated the desire of those who know us to also admire his features with a photograph. His plump cheeks, his button nose, his tiny fingers, and his delicate, kissable lips remind us how carefully God formed our child in his mother's womb.

We thank you for your prayers and we ask that your prayers for our family would continue. We pray, despite our deep sorrow, that Henry's life purpose will be fulfilled and we continue to surrender ourselves to God's Divine Providence.

It is an honor to share with you a photograph of our son and our brother, Henry Blaise.

God's Divine Providence

(Brendan and Molly)

We have waited for a period of time after the death of our son, Henry Blaise, to share with you a very special grace that we have received from our Lord, one that is both very personal and very powerful. This grace consists of being allowed by our Lord to have direct understanding that His gathering of our son to Himself is a part of his plan for our family to grow closer to Him in holiness. The personal nature of the means by which we were given this understanding made us wonder whether it should be shared, but at the same time the power of it means we are compelled to share it. We know that sharing this grace will give added comfort and understanding to our family and friends who are mourning Henry's loss with us, and we also know that it will increase the faith of many others who, like all of us, wonder at times whether God is really in control and whether He really does work all things together for the good of those who love Him.

In July of this past summer, while still early in pregnancy, Molly went on a women's three-day silent retreat at the St. Paul Seminary, the major seminary of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. This retreat was an Ignatian retreat, where the retreatants used the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola to reflect on scripture and be guided by a spiritual director (in this case priests from the seminary) in prayer and reflection. During this retreat, each day Molly kept a detailed diary of all of her thoughts. Molly's main prayer during this retreat was that God would show her ways in which our family could grow in holiness. She also brought with her the book Abandonment to Divine Providence to reflect upon during the retreat.

The Holy Spirit moved in Molly in a very special way during this retreat, and the following is a directly transcribed, word-for-word excerpt from Molly's diary.

The first words written in Molly's diary, on Thursday, July 10th, 2008, were:

“The goal of our life is to live with God forever.”
- St. Ignatius

Our only desire should be to choose whatever it is that leads to the deepening of God’s life in me.

After further notes and reflections on talks the priests gave that day, Molly recorded the following thoughts on the next day of her retreat:

Friday, July 11, 2008

Yesterday, during confession, Fr. Laird prayed that my suffering would be fruitful and that I would find healing. Although I noticed his words, I didn’t make much of them at the time, although I did leave feeling that I wasn’t really suffering or in need of healing. At the beginning of my time with Fr. Sirba, he again prayed for healing and while I recognize that I do have some general fears, particularly regarding the souls of my children and the ways my actions may lead them in the wrong direction, I don’t feel as though this particular fear weighs me down heavily. Then I wondered whether there was some other area that needed healing, one that is yet hidden from me. Or perhaps, that soon I would endure a kind of suffering that required healing. I mentioned to Fr. Sirba that I so delve into family matters that I wonder what I would be left with if it were taken away – which is why I need to keep the Lord in clear view and use my vocation to live His will rather than get so caught up in my “mundane” tasks of every day and forget to be with the Lord. (These things also have been clear in my reading time).

So then, during Fr. Laird’s talk this afternoon, I began, without really realizing it, to write the name, Henry Blaise, the name we have chosen if this child is a boy. Just as I wrote this, Father said “God told Abram to sacrifice His son for Him.” (or something to that effect.) It startled me a bit and I began to wonder if perhaps God would be asking the same thing of me. What if something is “wrong” with this baby that will prevent his long life? (I’m not totally convinced as of now that this baby is a boy. I did write Greta Jeanette later during the talk, but all of these things make me wonder…) Then I asked myself if perhaps we’d learn something at the ultrasound (and if we did I became convinced that we should find out the gender of this baby.) All kinds of possibilities came into my mind like stillbirth or heart problems, etc., etc. And also I was convinced in my mind that the baby might need to be baptized immediately. Amazing how a mind can come up with “the worst” – but perhaps was God preparing me for something? I’ve always thought that in case of tragedy, I would be a total wreck, unable to tend to the needs of my children. Or that I would care for them with such a burden that I would feel torn between my grief and my duty and crumble under the pressure. Earlier this morning, I had walked to a statue of Christ with the reference below reading Matthew 28:30 – “Come to me all who weary…” I thought it appropriate for me during this time of spiritual and physical rest. I had wanted to read the surrounding scripture, but forgot the reference, so I walked back out there this afternoon. I came back to my room and began reading what I thought was a few verses before, but later realized I was in the wrong chapter Mt 10:26.

“So, have no fear of them; for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, utter in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim upon the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s will. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven; but whoever denies me before men I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven…”

More to follow. Time for rosary.

Supper has just finished and I can see how it is truly the silence that draws me deeper. For if I were to have an opportunity to socialize, it would be an excuse not to reflect on the things God is revealing to me. The spiritual reading tonight again dealt with abandonment to God’s will. I could never have for myself chosen a more appropriate book to accompany my weekend. The reader, towards the end read something like “would you not sacrifice your child if it be my will?” and then “come to me all who labor and are burdened.” Obviously there is a common thread being woven. I sometimes wonder if it is my own imagination – and I do know I have the ability to imagine the worst. Now these things beg more questions – would I be willing to sacrifice in this way? God could only mean it for good. I suppose I would – but I don’t want to! The thought of losing ANY of my children is unbearable and causes me to wish I had control over what was happening with them even now. Can I let God care for them? Surely He can care for them better than I… and perhaps that is all He is asking (please, let it be so!) I can hand over control. I can put my children in God’s hands. But, please don’t take them away. Please don’t be telling me that perhaps your will is for me to lose one of my children so that through that sacrifice I may be a saint. Am I the only one hearing this specific thread woven together? Surely you have this for me. But I need clarity.

After returning from the retreat, Molly discussed with me her experience and we both hoped that this was simply a test of faith. On December 1st, 2008, at 6:37am, our new baby, a boy, Henry Blaise Koop, was born and found to have passed away, brought by our Lord to be with Him in heaven. I baptized Henry within moments of his birth.

While we continue to mourn this great loss, we pray that the purpose for which the Lord took Henry to be with Him is fulfilled in our family. God has provided us comfort and understanding through this special grace.

All praise, glory, honor, and power be to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Again, thanks...

(Brendan)

Henry's funeral was beautiful, and we were overwhelmed with the number of people who attended. The days since have been tough, as we continue to try to process, read all of the cards we've received, look at pictures of Henry, be distracted by our other wonderful children, and just try to be normal. Unfortunately, that won't be possible for a while.

I thought I would include a picture of what our dining room currently looks like...


Thank you again for your continuing prayers.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support...

(Brendan)

Both Molly and I are overwhelmed by all of the prayers and support our family has received since the loss of our son, and I just wanted to write a quick note saying that your prayers do matter and have an affect. All of the conversations, phone calls, e-mails, and comments we have received are hard to process now, but know that every one is appreciated. We have felt the increasing consolation of the Holy Spirit with each passing moment, and we know that we will make it through this by the grace of our Lord.

Just to pass on this information for those nearby, the Mass of Christian Burial for our Henry will be 10:00am Thursday, Dec. 4, at the Church of St. Paul in Ham Lake, MN with a reviewal one hour prior at 9:00am.

We continue to trustfully surrender to God's divine providence.

Words can't decribe how difficult it is to write this...

(Brendan and Molly)

Please pray for our family. Early this morning, Molly went into labor to deliver our precious new little one. When we got to the hospital, during delivery they could not find the baby's heartbeat, and after delivery of our new baby boy, Henry Blaise Koop, we found that he had passed away. This loss is nearly unbearable for our family, but we also know God's will has been done and continues to be done in our lives. The shock of this will take so long to wear off, we will need to prayers of our family, friends, and the readers of this blog for many months to come.

Henry is now in the arms of our savior in heaven, and we ask for his prayers for us. He is our most precious intercessor!

Holy Mary, please pray for us, you know our pain!